X Factor Manicure Review

25Oct09

I love X Factor. I love nail polish. And there is A LOT of nail polish on X Factor. Certainly more than ever before. It needs to be addressed. Ergo, I give you my X Factor Manicure Review (with help from my friend and future guest-blogger Clare).
Cheryl
Pillar box red nails with fuscia lips! The week after navy blue nails with a red and black outfit! She’s not just rewriting the rulebook, she ripping it to shreds then getting a bespoke Essie catalogue leather bound by Shepherds, Sangorski & Sutcliffe. My mind was blown.
But then I realised that they were too long, and obviously falsies, and I didn’t like the squoval shape. My mind was unblown. Could do better. 7/10

Too long. Sort it out.

Too long. Sort it out.

Simon
Do up your shirt. All that hair is making me itchy. 0/10
Dannii
AMAZING. Dannii’s make-up has been giving me all sorts of levels of excitement this series. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly it’s as if her face is … moving… and Actually Pretty … as opposed to last year’s futuristic-cadaver look. And she’s doing nails much better than Cheryl. Shorter, and a nicer, neater shape generally. Not so radical with the colour-combinations but I still LOVED that shade. Clare and I debated it at length and we think it was either Essie Bordeaux, an OPI one that Claudia Winkleman wears for Strictly: It Takes Two (Claudia told me on Friday night but she didn’t know the name) or – interestingly – just the one coat of Chanel Rouge Noir. Exemplary. 9/10
Louis
There is no doubt in my mind that Louis has, on occasion, picked up a bottle of varnish from the make-up room, slipped it into his pocket, wandered down the corridor to his dressing room, and then painted a few toes before going on air, wriggling those digits when nervous. I’m the only one who has guessed. 10/10

Rachel
Despite the terrifying 80s vibe of the rest of the outfit, her nails were really beautiful: glassy (typo but it stays cos it works) purple, not too long, not to ‘fierce’ but not too ‘ooh look they’ve turned me into a right lady here’ either. But this picture sums up her little moment at the end and thus impeded the capturing of any decent manicure images.

Keep your hands still! The nails were the best bit!

Keep your hands still! The nails were the best bit!

Olly
I think we all know my gaze was a good few inches below his fingernails.
Miss Frank
I loved their performance, I was so happy about Graziella rapping, and I wasn’t even as bothered by the pinstripe/black configurations of the outfits as Twitter’s @iamjamesward. (And he cares about them a lot). But there were some nail crimes being committed here. OH THE HUMANITY.
* Shar (on the left) had fingernails bitten to the very quick. It’s understandable: it’s a stressful time. Even I’ve bitten my nails in the past, so I can’t judge that. But letting some work-experience buffoon from make-up paint them WW2 red in the name of Frank Sinatra was tantamount to self-sabotage. All it did was draw attention to something that would never otherwise have been noticed. A disgrace. Whoever let this happen should be forced weave a stuffed toy for Stacey’s baby entirely from Simon’s stray wrist hairs. 2/10
* Shan (on the right) had some kind of weird red tips scenario going on. Again, a very 40s look, sort of the reverse of this.
But they weren’t quite long enough, and they looked like they were shonkily-applied acrylics. 4/10
* Graziella had short neat black. Probably Essie. Fair enough. She’s a no-nonsense diva. As it should be. Keep focussing on the singing, but don’t actively attack your chances like the other two.  6/10

Stacey
Hideous ‘French manicure’. Except I don’t think it was a French manicure, I think it was acrylic nails with white plastic tips. Which can looked lovely (it’s what I had for my sister’s wedding) but she had about an inch of white showing and that simply looks tacky. Then again, maybe I’m biased on account of thinking that pretending to have borderline learning disorders isn’t charming and never will be.

(I cannot bear to post an image so enjoy my acrylic thumbnails in Italy two nights before my sister’s wedding. Unchippable, I tells ya).

Acrylic thumbnails

Acrylic thumbnails

Lucie
Neat, glossy, boring. As was she, although I do love her.

Jedward
I want them to stay in so that they can start to experiment with ‘man’icures. After all, they need something to set them apart from the rest of the crowd.

Michael Bublé

Suprisingly attractive. Disconcertingly attactive. I had no idea. And now I can’t stop humming this.

PS I don’t know anything about copyrighting images online so just send Lily Allen round if I’ve broken laws.

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3 Responses to “X Factor Manicure Review”

  1. 1 jessicaruston

    I am with you on the Buble. Who knew? But that is completely overshadowed by the strength of my agreement with you regarding this:

    “pretending to have borderline learning disorders isn’t charming and never will be”, Mere words cannot express how right you are.

    I had the same acrylic nail style for my wedding.

  2. 2 Clare Bennett

    Cheryl – I wouldn’t even call that Pillar Box Red, it’s not bright enough UNLIKE MY NEW LANCOME RED ONE that you saw on Saturday that doesn’t have a name. It is like the prisoner of nail varnishes, it is only known by a number. I have almost religious feelings about Cheryl, she can be square and too long, she can be married to Ashley Cole, she can be dressed as a fish on Sunday’s results show. I can’t not love her.

    Simon – he is now no longer able to look to camera, he can only stare at Cheryl and then insult her so she cries and he has to kiss her to say sorry. Like THAT wasn’t planned.

    Dannii – new hair, new make up, new mobility in her face -what’s not to love? Her nails were an example to us all – beautiful, classic, feminine. No wonder Cheryl wants to be friends this year, me too.

    Louis – shock likeability factor all of a sudden, kept agreeing with him for first time ever – NO to Jamie Archer singing U2 in Big Band Week; NO to Simon’s directionless critique of Lucie Jones. Grief has changed him.

    Rachel – her nails got her through this week. This is NOT a coincidence.

    Olly – obscene trousers, but we all know Simon loves a snug high waist.

    Miss Frank – RIP. Their nails did NOT get them through this week. This is NOT a coincidence. I bit my nails for a week when I was 9 and my grandmother/ nail icon was furious. She did her cuticles every day and made me start doing mine when I was 11. If I had been in Miss Frank, we would have survived this week.

    Stacey – unbearable white tips painted half way down the nail in a disastrous Franglais manicure. No Frenchman would claim that look came from his country. We should collectively be ashamed.

    Lucie – what a VOICE – but the nails of an 18 year old and not that impressive. CDB (Could Do Better).

    Jedward – Ricky Martin on Big Band week? John and Edward on Big Band Week? WHAT?

    Michael Buble – I turn my back for five minutes and a cutester emerges. Clearly the post Emily Blunt trauma has done wonders for his weight. Every cloud…


  1. 1 Nails on mic « The Definite Cuticle

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